Do the ants know? [part 1]

    Last paper was on 23rd Nov. So, it was obvious that my next post should have been published on 24th. Still, better late than never. To be completely honest, I was playing computer games that I had downloaded during the  sem papers. It's very difficult to keep an eye on time when I am deep into a game. Without further delay, let's get on with the post. But, before that, have you ever observed that wherever you drop a food item, even in the remote places of all, the ants of your house always find a way to get to it. I usually get something to eat when I am watching a movie on my computer. So, it's obvious that I am bound to drop something on the desk. And no surprises, my desk is raided by ants once every 2 weeks. I also keep chocolates in my desk drawer (but the ants don't go in it). The strangest thing happened when on 17th of last month I accidentally left 2 chocolates on my desk. They were kept there for 4 days and not a single ant wandered near them. That got me thinking....

Do the ants know: about my guilt?

      The subjects on 16th and 19th didn't go quite well. To be honest, they went pathetic. After coming from college, I was broken. Thoughts were ramming the walls of my head to pour out. I had failed my parents. They are doing so much for me and I am just good for nothing. They are ready to sacrifice their needs for me and all I can return them is a KT or AC with 50%. Every time I make the promise of performing good in the next exam and still the condition is same. Or maybe it gets worse. It makes me think do I deserve all that I am getting? The saddest part is that this guilt lasts for a maximum of 2-3 days only. Then, everything goes back to normal. Chatting, gaming and what not. Then the next subject gets screwed and I am screwed once again. Again, I feel guilty, think about my life, think about suicide, make a promise that never gets fulfilled. I can no longer hide my disappointment. I am behaving rudely with everyone just because my insides are burning like hell, I have this load in my chest which I want to remove. It will only be removed by scoring decent marks in exam. But I fear, even that may turn into a broken promise. What kind of a good person am I if I can't even keep promises made to myself. I am ashamed of looking in the mirror. They never understood, and never will. Some of them try, but they are busy with their own thing. Honestly, I wanted to type this post on 20th itself, but thought otherwise since I was staying away from the internet. But then, the need to type this post died after 25th. I was delaying this moment again and again. All guilt washed away, no shame, just go back to the same old pathetic schedule. Chatting, gaming, porn, party, roaming the streets. If there was some way to harness this guilt for a prolonged period. A way that would remind me of my failure each day. Because,I now strongly believe that positive encouragement is just some bullshit. The fear of result is at least making me attend my regular classes. Even now the guilt is not there, which makes me think the purpose of this post is defeated. Maybe, this post will help me in the near future. Even the ant have started coming back.

P.S.
1. Wish the ants never come back

2. Pretty big surprises in the month of November, both good and bad

3. Stay Blessed ^_^