Why Is It Impossible To Hate You?
You Just Had To Come Back In My life, Didn't You?
The Last part
It's 4th January, you came back yesterday, seemed healthy. I had to leave for Mumbai to attend Techfest. I missed the chance to see you before leaving. Wanted to say so many things. On 5th I made the excuse of not wanting to visit the temple and called you. We talked and my heart could finally have some peace. 7th Jan changed everything. That night I cried a lot. I just couldn't stop those tears. You are still oblivious to that fact. Yes, I was crying even when I was talking to you. 4 backs is not something to be taken lightly. I desired your presence so much. First time I wrote something down. Let's move forward, things are different now, I am confident I'll bring my best this time. The guilt of failure was reduced a little bit when we did make it to the top 30 among 200 other participants. Came empty handed last year, this time a certificate and will definitely get that first prize next year.
I came home on 11th morning, had to face my parents. Everything was a little less than fine except you. Matters related with you, they were still unsolved. I needed you, needed your love. I won't say you don't understand, because I know that you do. 12th Jan, I felt truly helpless that day. For 24 hrs I was lost in this state of numbness. Only one word was ringing in my ears, "FAILURE". Life, death nothing made sense. On the top of everything, you weren't picking up your phone. It felt so empty. Bless her, she relieved some of my pain. The next day you told me you had kept your phone deliberately away from yourself for one day. And I thought, "Why that day only???". You have no idea how much I have cried during Jan. For 20 days I remained hollow. Doing everything to stay away from you. And if it was not enough, I started having dreams about you. I just wanted one escape. Yes we did talk, we talked about how I was hopelessly in love with you, we talked about how you denied me freedom and we talked about the fact that this has always been the case with you. How many hearts were broken, how many people suffered.
I think I am blaming her too much and doing wrong by addressing her directly......
We would talk and chat about many things but it always ended up with me telling her I am unable to get over you. And how is it possible to when the girl you like, with whom you have shared everything, confessed your love to her and whom you have to see almost every week? Still, I tried. I tried my best to do it. To stop having feelings for you. I just wanted one thing in return. For her to ignore me for some time. It's only now that I realize I have been asking too much out of her. Hammering her to love me back at every single opportunity. And yes I cried too thinking how guilty it made me feel. Jan and Feb drained every amount of patience I had. In March, it was getting impossible to resist. No matter how much sick it may seem, I increased my online activity. Things started happening, I started feeling happy again. They say people who spend too much time on internet are nothing in real life. I don't know if it's true or not. But I was determined to find the very thing she denied. Obviously, couldn't find it. Found something much more beautiful instead. But that's another story. Still, it wasn't enough. Deactivated Facebook. Yes, you were a reason but not for the major part. Finally, one night I realized how much I miss you. More guilt struck me when I realized you wanted my friendship and I denied it. It's only that something beautiful which has kept me sane till now. But things don't last forever. Reminds me of a comment I received on one of my previous posts