What's on my mind

Random Thoughts In My Mind

The world has become an amusing place...

We need Facebook to tell others how we are feeling

We need Twitter to have an opinion

We need Instagram to enjoy our food

We need Snapchat to cherish memories

And most of all, we need an internet connection to have a life...

Monday, December 5, 2011

Do the ants know? [part 1]

    Last paper was on 23rd Nov. So, it was obvious that my next post should have been published on 24th. Still, better late than never. To be completely honest, I was playing computer games that I had downloaded during the  sem papers. It's very difficult to keep an eye on time when I am deep into a game. Without further delay, let's get on with the post. But, before that, have you ever observed that wherever you drop a food item, even in the remote places of all, the ants of your house always find a way to get to it. I usually get something to eat when I am watching a movie on my computer. So, it's obvious that I am bound to drop something on the desk. And no surprises, my desk is raided by ants once every 2 weeks. I also keep chocolates in my desk drawer (but the ants don't go in it). The strangest thing happened when on 17th of last month I accidentally left 2 chocolates on my desk. They were kept there for 4 days and not a single ant wandered near them. That got me thinking....

Do the ants know: about my guilt?

      The subjects on 16th and 19th didn't go quite well. To be honest, they went pathetic. After coming from college, I was broken. Thoughts were ramming the walls of my head to pour out. I had failed my parents. They are doing so much for me and I am just good for nothing. They are ready to sacrifice their needs for me and all I can return them is a KT or AC with 50%. Every time I make the promise of performing good in the next exam and still the condition is same. Or maybe it gets worse. It makes me think do I deserve all that I am getting? The saddest part is that this guilt lasts for a maximum of 2-3 days only. Then, everything goes back to normal. Chatting, gaming and what not. Then the next subject gets screwed and I am screwed once again. Again, I feel guilty, think about my life, think about suicide, make a promise that never gets fulfilled. I can no longer hide my disappointment. I am behaving rudely with everyone just because my insides are burning like hell, I have this load in my chest which I want to remove. It will only be removed by scoring decent marks in exam. But I fear, even that may turn into a broken promise. What kind of a good person am I if I can't even keep promises made to myself. I am ashamed of looking in the mirror. They never understood, and never will. Some of them try, but they are busy with their own thing. Honestly, I wanted to type this post on 20th itself, but thought otherwise since I was staying away from the internet. But then, the need to type this post died after 25th. I was delaying this moment again and again. All guilt washed away, no shame, just go back to the same old pathetic schedule. Chatting, gaming, porn, party, roaming the streets. If there was some way to harness this guilt for a prolonged period. A way that would remind me of my failure each day. Because,I now strongly believe that positive encouragement is just some bullshit. The fear of result is at least making me attend my regular classes. Even now the guilt is not there, which makes me think the purpose of this post is defeated. Maybe, this post will help me in the near future. Even the ant have started coming back.

1. Wish the ants never come back

2. Pretty big surprises in the month of November, both good and bad

3. Stay Blessed ^_^


  1. hey!
    dude! ants and scores. TWO DIFF THINGS. :D
    Though you know, try the timetable way. It works for me.
    and dont say the ashamed-of-looking-in-the-mirror things. self-doubt makes it worse!
    My tomorrow's prayer will be for you! You will do well!
    P.S- go easy on the gaming, it creatively destroys one!
    take care!

  2. :( I have had my share of too many expectations and being run down because of the same. I actually had planned I will kill myself if I didn't qualify engineering entrance. Shame, but that's how I felt.

    I do not like to see today's youth so under pressure and fighting this hard for competitive exams. It isn't fair. Education is supposed to help not kill us :-/

    I am all for no education at all and going back to the basics..

  3. I love that thing up there in your header!!!!!

  4. Woah, How many times have you been suicidal? Well its a part of it is really common.
    But off all the things that I liked is the mess, because you have got conscience enough to think and feel guilty (though it comes back to normal as it is just a phase) but still...
    Nice..and you know don't doubt what you deserve and what you don't because you wont get anything unless you deserve it and you're ready for it.

  5. Suicide will just let you miss the forthcoming good times. That's it....
    Just don't give up! All the best :-)

  6. let live this life imperfectly..living a perfect life is not fun at all :D Let fall flat on face every now and then..its just okay to be 'not okay' :) But never quit,start all over again the next day ;)

    All da best on the falling and rising :)

  7. I used to feel exactly the same till my last semester. This sem started off well, but got so much worse later.
    I have internals next week and Im so screwed.

    All the best for your results!

  8. Good luck for the results. You do well, don't you worry :)

  9. Good luck with that. Hope u do well.

  10. Thank You for your wishes :) Hope to see you again :)

  11. @Apoorva
    I know they are different things, was just trying to link them through guilt.
    I'll try to be more positive
    thank you :)
    Stay Blessed ^_^

    The problem arises because there is a huge gap between top percentage and pass percentage. Students lying in this category have nowhere to goo
    If only the education system was more industry oriented
    Stay Blessed ^_^

    Thank you :)
    Stay Blessed ^_^

    mostly after exams.
    Thank you for your comment :)
    Stay Blessed ^_^

    I won't give up :)
    Stay Blessed ^_^

    Thanks for the heads up :D
    Stay Blessed ^_^

    hope your internals went well
    thank you :)
    Stay Blessed ^_^

    thank you :)
    Anytime :D
    Stay Blessed ^_^

    thank you :)
    Stay Blessed ^_^

  12. The header looks pretty awesome.
    Well good luck with that. We all have broken promises.