The title says what the fuck am I. Well, I know I am a human. I am thinking what kind of person I am. I am the son of 2 persons who would think a thousand times before spending a 1000 bucks. Bow, I am not saying I am poor. But the problem of service class is, even less is also more. You earn, you spend, you save. That's the fucking schedule of every day, every month and every year. I asked my dad that I wanted to do this course which had Rs 10,000 as fees. He didn't say no. But he said it would take time to arrange that amount. Now imagine what happened when I told him the college fees is Rs 70000. Yeah I know he has everything planned, various policies, education loans, savings and all. He may never show it, but I know I am breaking his back every single day. I know what you might say, you are being too hard on yourself, he is your father so its his duty to do all this and stuff like that. What if I tell you I drink, what if I tell you I smoke, what if I tell you I have drugs. He's doing so much for me and I am just burning his love and affection into ashes. Your parents might say, "pata hi nahi chala tu kab itna bada ho gaya". Well mujhe pata hai ki aap kab boodhe ho gaye. I have seen their hair go grey in all these hairs. Every single hair that falls off their head, makes me think, if not for being their son, am I worth any of this? I want a blackberry storm 9530 3G when I can be quite content with Nokia 2600. I ask him for an avenger when I am doing reat with a discover.My mother makes dinner every night and I reach home already full each evening. I do eat and end up making my stomach upset for the night but that's a different story. What have I done to deserve all this? Am I a topper in class? NO. Am I among the top scorers? NO. AM I getting First Distinction Every time? NO. I can't even score a fucking 60. Had I made one right decision, spend the right rupee at the right place, only god knows where would I be. And I don't even believe in god. Now I will take into account the saying that "you don't know where you will be tomorrow" but it certainly won't hurt to imagine that it would be much better than the current shit
Now the conclusions i have drawn and decisions I need to take after realizing all this?
1. I have reduced consuming outside food to minimum. Not more than once a week.
2. No drinking, no smoking, until it comes from my own pocket.
3. no new mobile phone until I can afford one from my own salary.
thanks for reading/listening