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Friday, June 24, 2011

What The Fuck Am I

  Now whether this a story of fiction, or my story or some other person's whom I don't have anything to do with, I really am not in mood of clarifying that. And if you can't avoid commenting on this particular note, then please don't read it..



      The title says what the fuck am I. Well, I know I am a human. I am thinking what kind of person I am. I am the son of 2 persons who would think a thousand times before spending a 1000 bucks. Bow, I am not saying I am poor. But the problem of service class is, even less is also more. You earn, you spend, you save. That's the fucking schedule of every day, every month and every year. I asked my dad that I wanted to do this course which had Rs 10,000 as fees. He didn't say no. But he said it would take time to arrange that amount. Now imagine what happened when I told him the college fees is Rs 70000. Yeah I know he has everything planned, various policies, education loans, savings and all. He may never show it, but I know I am breaking his back every single day. I know what you might say, you are being too hard on yourself, he is your father so its his duty to do all this and stuff like that. What if I tell you I drink, what if I tell you I smoke, what if I tell you I have drugs. He's doing so much for me and I am just burning his love and affection into ashes. Your parents might say, "pata hi nahi chala tu kab itna bada ho gaya". Well mujhe pata hai ki aap kab boodhe ho gaye. I have seen their hair go grey in all these hairs. Every single hair that falls off their head,  makes me think, if not for being their son, am I worth any of this? I want a blackberry storm 9530 3G when I can be quite content with Nokia 2600. I ask him for an avenger when I am doing reat with a discover.My mother makes dinner every night and I reach home already full each evening. I do eat and end up making my stomach upset for the night but that's a different story. What have I done to deserve all this? Am I a topper in class? NO. Am I among the top scorers? NO. AM I getting First Distinction Every time? NO. I can't even score a fucking 60. Had I made one right decision, spend the right rupee at the right place, only god knows where would I be. And I don't even believe in god. Now I will take into account the saying that "you don't know where you will be tomorrow" but it certainly won't hurt to imagine that it would be much better than the current shit

Now the conclusions i have drawn and decisions I need to take after realizing all this?

1. I have reduced consuming outside food to minimum. Not more than once a week.
2. No drinking, no smoking, until it comes from my own pocket.
3. no new mobile phone until I can afford one from my own salary.
thanks for reading/listening

3 comments:

  1. Respect your parents feelings and try to show them that you are not worthless

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  2. Yes they work hard..and your not hurting your parents shankie..But don't you for a second think that being their son is a privilege.. Truthfully I know you won't but beating your self up over things is not on your checklist right? .. So don't do it.. My mom.. We don't have the best relationship but even before I was born when she was heavily pregnant with me everyday she would get on the bus at 6:30 am and stand trying to keep her balance and me in her swelling tummy safe as she made her way all the way downtown..She would stand for half an hour.. Then she would work a 4 hr shift ride the bus back be it snow hail or rain.. Had she not moved to canada thinking of her future children's educations she would have been a princess her gorgeous thick black hair wouldnt have thinned.. her pretty yellow dress might not have turned grey from cheap detergent.. Her eyes wouldnt be so sad.. She wouldnt have to measure out the salt because She cried maing dinner salty Andd she wouldnt have been an immigrant shunned by anyone who looked past her fair skin and more closely at her obviously indian features.. Trust me when I say my parents have sacrificed too.. Bt all the bits of happiness they give up they give to you dnt hurt yourself or not just their money will be used..but their happiness will have been just carelessly thrown away

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